WE SEEK PEACEFUL COEXISTENCE!

 (80 cool points to anyone who gets the reference – make sure to comment below if you do!)

For so many years, I found it incredibly hard to open up about my stammer. I viewed it as my biggest weakness, something to keep far underground and make sure it never saw the light. As a covert stammerer, whenever I was in a conversation I would spend every moment fixated on how my speech was going compared to how I wanted it to, how the other person was reacting to any perceived slip-ups, and making sure I invented ever more elaborate ways of navigating around problem sounds and words, those mines in the water that I could always see coming and knew would explode around me as soon as I approached them.

This game took up so many hours every week that it made the Working Time Directive run away screaming. It was EXHAUSTING.

And it was ultimately pointless, because I never could hide my stammer properly. It was always there and I’m sure it was obvious to pretty much everyone who spoke to me. I put in so much effort for such little reward, went through so much extra stress for barely any actual gain. I was absolutely sure that my stammer was holding me back, but what I’ve realised recently is that I’m complicit if I let it affect me to the extent that I did in the past. And that feels like some kind of breakthrough! Whenever I didn’t order the food I wanted in a restaurant, didn’t go to the bar for my round (not because I’m tight, honest!), wouldn’t make a telephone call or avoided social situations, I would always blame my stammer like it was a separate entity inhabiting my brain. A foreign body! An interloper! It’s much easier to look at some outside force to explain away our problems rather than looking inwardly, right?

But the truth is that my stammer is a part of me, even though it’s the annoying guest at the party who just won’t leave even though I’ve looked at my watch loads, turned off the music and the lights, yawned extravagantly a number of times and casually painted the word ‘UBER’ on the wall. But oh dear, it’s paid the rent and it turns out it’s actually my brain housemate, so it’s staying, whoops.

I’ve realised that learning to coexist with my stammer must be the way forward, even while my ego still desires above everything else to beat it and hang it in a trophy cabinet, definitely with ‘Conquered by Mike Grant’ written in bold on a big plaque underneath its desiccated remains. I probably think about this stuff too much…

Anyway, this coexistence - AKA my détente with my stammer - takes on various different forms. One is trying not to be as stressed when I’m having a bad day, speech-wise. I have my costal breathing technique now (blast the flashy Empowering Voices course trumpets here!), and I know that when I use it properly I feel much more in control, more relaxed and generally just happier. Even if my speech isn’t perfect, using the technique will automatically make me less stressed about speaking. Coexisting with my stammer means there will always be a bit of give and take here – it may flare up but I know I can calm it down through the kind of hard work that now has a positive result. It’s not so much of an all-out war between us anymore, then, even though there are still definitely skirmishes.

Another part of coexistence is talking about my stammer with other people. Disclosure to family, friends or even strangers is a big topic that should be the subject of another blog, but a starting point is just being more emotionally open with others in the stammering community. A problem shared is a problem halved, after all, and swapping experiences and tips can be really rewarding. Speech issues can make us standoffish, shy and not wanting to be in a conversation because of its potential to go badly. But if you let other people into your world, then the act of being willing to open up feels so refreshing and it’s such a relief. So whenever you get the opportunity to speak to other stammerers, whether it’s on an Empowering Voices course or other places such as the Stand Up To Stammering group on Facebook (which is a really great community, do join if you haven’t already!), I’d encourage you to explain what’s going on in your head when it comes to your stammer and how it affects you, as I guarantee they’ll be interested. It’s all part of the process of learning to coexist with the thing that held you back. Starting to reframe your relationship with your stammer will help, trust me!

Empowering Voices is holding its next course in Bath between 30 June and 2 July, so do sign up if you want to learn the tools to start coexisting with your stammer and meet some lovely people who understand exactly what you’re going through. Don’t get me wrong, your stammer will still be an annoying brain housemate that doesn’t do enough of the washing up, but never mind!it.